Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in KitsuneFait's LiveJournal:

Thursday, April 15th, 2004
4:23 am	Steam and the humidity it releases... SON OF A BITCH NO GOOD GODDAMNED SHITTY ASS MOTHERFUCKING ASS RAPING BALL BREAKER! ...... Sorry. I seem to be going through some rather...upsetting times at the moment. And just when I thougth everything was going to be alright. I hate it when friends fight. More so when they're good friends with each other. I can't stand it... because I've seen how something so good... so pure.. so right... can turn totally wrong in a heart beat. And a lot of times, it's not due to miscommunication, or even misunderstanding... it's simply petty, selfishness. I wish it weren't so... but it is. I just.... damn it, I wish I could juts take someone and beat the living shit out of them! I stand by and watch as something good between my friends goes to hell and I'm unable to say or do anything for fear that if I DO say something, they'll end up like me. Useless and alone. So, I put the question up. How do you help someone, without helping? Really a stupid question. Kinda like asking 'how do you breathe without breathing?'. I hate when my friends fight. Is it because of me? Is it because they're tired, or cranky? Bad headaches? A change in the atmosphere? Phase of the moon? Something? I just want my friends to be happy. ALL of them. No matter who it may be... people who once saw me as a close friend... those who once loved me... and those who are my pals and buds. Just be happy. That's all I can ask of you. Be safe, be well, and know that I care about each and every one of you... even the ones I wanna crack across the skull for being so damned dense sometimes. Peace out.... "Optimus Prime is a jew?!" Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Offspring - Coming Out Swinging (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 18th, 2004
8:37 pm	A Unique Opprotunity.... Okay... I know things aren't supposed to just fall out of the sky and into your lap.. but this time, soemtning has. I now face a choice... Take this opprotunity that could mean a better life but will also put me in a place I don't want to be in.... Or stay amongst my friends. What do I do? Fear is keeping me from making this decsecion, I know it. But if I let fear rule me, I'll never get anywhere... But if I leave here, I'll be alone again. What to do, what to do.... Current Mood: stressed Current Music: Staind - It's Been A While (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 15th, 2003
3:37 pm	And now, for no apparent reason.... *Insert major gagging and barfing sound here, followed up by a few hacking coughs, then more barfing* Current Mood: crazy Current Music: Disturbed - Meaning of Life (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003
7:42 am	Not even remotely funny... "Get out." I expected to hear those two words eventually, just not from the person who said them. From someone who does NOT have any actual say in anything and if he wants a say, he gets his companions to step in and make the say for him. Not this time. Now, I was a little miffed at this, but slightly glad in a way. This way, I'll be able to get away from what was once the woman I love (and STILL love, god help me) and heal myself. Let her heal. Let her get on with her life. And let me get on with mine. The next few words that came out were not ANYTHING I expected to hear. "If you want my advice, you need to kill him." Okay, uh... NO. Make even the SLIGHTEST move toward me in a threatening manner and I WILL return the favor. I've far too much rage inside me to just roll over and die, though for some reason, I actually welcome the aspect of death. Not by my own hand, of course; Having tried it once and realizing it's a cowards way, I'll never do it again. But if someone makes an attempt on my life, I WILL give as good as I get. I'm not violent. I don't like violence. I've never been in a real fight in my life. But I won't walk away now. I love Justin, April, Cat and Zel... Xellos I could always deal with. But if someone has decided to go on the offensive and target ME as their pain, then bring it. I assure you, if you want me to be the source of your aggravation, I'll be glad to oblige. But I'm not interested in that. I don't WANT to do it. But it's beginning to look like I have no choice. And I won't sit idly by and let myself be turned into something everyone hates. I don't want anymore trouble, though I KNOW there will be. Just because I'm posting again. I don't want replies, and I don't want flames; I'm simply posting what's on my mind. This is a piece of my concsiousness and what I'm thinking and feeling. I love and care about all my friends, Justin and April, Cat and Zel, even Xel (He won't believe it and frankly I don't care. But he's been there for me at some rough times in my life and despite what I heard, I do care about him) and all the rest. But If I hear those words again... I don't know. Maybe I'll just get out. I've no need to rush to meet Death, nor do I care to sit and be idly chewed out over and over again by someone I love, but won't EVER return that love again. but I won't surrender my life. It's one of the few things I have left that I can call my own. And no one will take that from me. Judge me as you will. After all, I can't stop you. Current Mood: hurting Current Music: Alice in Chains - them Bones (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 21st, 2003
8:54 am	Growf X 2 *sighs* I'm not feeling well. I ache, I'm nervous I', moody... I hate feeling like this. I just wish I could move on.. and something tells me I'll have to, soon. no arguments. I won't be able to deal anymore..and it scares me. I've ALWAYS been able to deal. My ways are a bit unorthodox but they work for me, if no one else. I just need to hold on. I can handle everything...I always have. and I'll go on. Current Mood: confused (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, October 17th, 2003
4:40 am	GED Classes Today! Well, I'm doing it. No more playing, no more screwing around, no more putting it off. Today I go to start my studying for my GED. And I am so FERAKING nervous! Class starts at 8am today and lets out at 12pm. I'll be taking a test there today to see at what level I am, then I'll be doing most of my work at home.. but it's still scary. And I don't know who is even going to notice if I do go or not. But that doesn't matter. I just need to concentrate on what lies ahead. I CAN do this. And I will. Still, I wouldn't turn down any wishes of good luck or anything. Till next time. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 12th, 2003
5:49 am	Feelings... Sometimes, I wish I could turn off my emotions. I could just get rid of everything that makes me feel. I so want to have a clear mind, and nothing to distratc me.... nothing to make me sad, or annoyed or hurt me. I wish I could cut off my emotions so much.. but even if I did, it wouldn't help. Because then I'd no longer be me. I wouldn't be the kind soul I strive to be. I'd never feel anything that I want to. No elation over making new friends, no joy of spending time with someone I care about.. no nothing. So what can I say? Damned f I do, damned if I don't. I really miss Cat. I'd like to spend some more time with her and for a while I thought I could. I miss her so freaking much, it isn't funny. My head is clouded with so much stuff it isn't funny. I just want to sleep for a long, long time and not think. maybe when I come to, I won;t remember anything. that I was in love, or that anyone cared. I could go back to the wa I was.... being self reliant. When did I become suhc a emotional vampire anyway? I never had this problem before I fell in love the first time. I just wanted to know I was important to someone.. that I mattered. That I matter to myself is no surprise. I took care of myself with no problems. but I was the only one who did. And then, I staretd dating... and became attatched to people. To friends. To lovers. It's not a crime to love someone... To want them to think you're worth something and are worth while. I know I am.. but what about her? If I don't care what she thinks, then why am I with her? If I don't care then I would have never tried to start anything. I just wish I knew why it was so wrong to want to be important to someone else. *sighs* I don't think I' going to sleep anytime soon. I feel much to wired and jittery. I want to talk to Cat again. I want to know she's okay, and that she still cares. I know she does... but I want to hear it. Because I miss her.... so much... To end, while I do sound like I'm moping, I really feel I have made progress. I'm not moping as much as I used to. I concentarte on studying the practice things I got for the GED, though I'm not that good yet. I really need help on it. And I have ajob interview coming up that will hopefully pan out. I AM doing better. I believe it. I believe in myself. And I can do it. Despite what my emoptions do to me, I will survive and go on. If it means without Cat, then so be it. But I would prefer it NOT to be that way. I leave you to make sense Of what I say and reply what you will. I await input. Current Mood: indifferent Current Music: Batman Beyond - End Theme (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, October 10th, 2003
10:53 pm	what to do... A lot is on my mind recently. I don't want to deal with anything except getting my GED and getting on with my life. I need to clear my head.... I just want the pain to stop. I need my friends help...and I don't think I can go to the one I want to the most..simply because I can't handle it. I can't. So i'll go on, and do it myself. I need no distractions. Just let me get through this in one piece, that's all I ask. let me get through with my dignity. Current Mood: determined Current Music: The shooting gallery music from Ocarina of Time (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 9th, 2003
8:52 pm	Ssleeeeeepy.... *yawn* I feel so tired right now. too bad I didn't do ANYthing today to be tirdd about. Another day of oppertunity missed. Damn, I need to stop sleeping. My hopeful job at Krystals turned out to be a bust, as they decided to 'go in another direction' and not even bother to call me to let me know. Great move guys. Paige and Andy got me an interview at theSonic Drive in down the street though, so it's something else to be hopeful for. but I need to get on my GED and the only time they're open is when I usually sleep. Maybe I should just go back to sleep. wake up in the morning instead of going to bed in the morning. Things are at least getting better around here. Less strained with everyone. Although when tak comes over, he and Cat tend to get into some very nasty arguements.. or there's insulting involved. with Tak being the target. Of course, he's not really going to say anything if he knows and if he does, he'll keep it to himself until he's out of ear shot and rant to someone else. I know how he feels but I haven't felt it in ages. I really wish they got along better. :( My head's finally started to clear, so I think I'll go see what I can see for a while. take care everyone and love to all myfriends and family. Take care. Current Mood: drained Current Music: E.S. Posthumus - Pompeii (I highly recommend this song!) (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 6th, 2003
3:38 pm	Dream a little dream... Heyo! Update yet again. Nothing negative to report this time. At least, I hope not.If so I'll make it brief and appoligize now.:P Still calling up Krystals and trying to get a job with them, though they've been lass than forth coming with their response, but I'm patient. Also working toward my GED. (Those practice tests suck, especially when you don't understand it or your mind just won't stick to it.:/) I'm currently trying to get my hand back into writing again, but just like before, the ideas come and go so quickly, I barely have time to jot them down before I forget them. Just once, I'd like the ideas to come while I'm at the comp, and have a notepad open and ready to type. Oh,w ell, I'll get it soon. I'm talking more with everyone lately. It never felt so good to converse with people before. But I still feel left out of the loop a little. Because when all is said and done, they still retreat back to their rooms and I'm left here alone. :/ Guess I must still be doing something wrong. *shrugs* Well, I'm making attempts now, so that's gotta count for something.:) In closing, I'm starting to be just fine, though momentary surges of rage and sadness DO build up, they're let off with ease, and away from a potentially dangerous place(i.e., in range of my friends). No sense in screwing up my friendship's yet again. I just want to be happy.. and have my friends happy as well. *stretches and yawns* I think I may go write. Today seems like a good day. Take care everyone... Current Mood: optimistic Current Music: Seal - Bring it On (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, September 29th, 2003
11:06 pm	Wouldn't you like to know.... What is on my mind. Well, if no one has the guts to ask me how i'm feeling, then screw it. It doesn't matter. no to you, me or anyone else. If my mind gets one more smack down though. I won't have to worry with anything ever again. but then, no one really cares, so bring it. i dare you. Current Mood: Slightly Psycho Current Music: Jump In the Line - Da Vinci's Notebook (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, September 26th, 2003
2:43 pm	Fear and the many aggravations it brings... I am at a loss. I have know idea what to do, what to say or who to talk to. Everyone I have talked to, had good advice to give. Some were harsher than others, and actually made me open up and look at myself worth. what they said stung, but i did look inside. I'm angry at them, but don't want to be. I asked for reassurance through my journey to discover myself and was answered with doubt. It scared me. I don't know what the end holds, or what my future may bring me. I will have a GED eventually, but at what cost? if I lose Cat in the process, then no matter what anyone else says, it will be a failure on my part. Yes, I will be worth something. A lonely, miserable worthwhile person that lost at love. I swear, I can feel my mind beginning to go. I forget conversations a few minutes after they begin, and often find myself in arguements because I can't remember what I was talking about. Also, because of my faulty memory, I am often at a loss to defend myself verbally. It was suggested to me that i see a shrink. But with no money and a lack of willingness (as I hate shrinks) 'm currently not in the best position to go. but if I can, I will. This impairs my ability to live. And I need to find out who I am. Another thing that frightens me is a friend of mine whom I discovered only recently is constantly pissed at me on a 24/7 basis. I have really NOT been paying attention. Or maybe I didn't want to. Either way, It's a friendship I held dear for a time, and I screwed up. I only hope that someday, I'll be able to make it up to my friend, if he will still speak to me. I worry with things far too much and I concentrate only on the negative. This was pointed out to me, and for that, I'm thankful. Because It means I can take steps to better myself now. I don't want to screw up and will need all the help I can get.... But again, with no reassurance that someone will be waiting for me at the end, I'm scared. And fear can crumble even the strongest trust in someone like water crashing against a foundation. Without reaffirmation and support, my belief that I can do this will wash away like so much dirt and will never have existed. Wish me luck... I'm going to need all of it I can get. Current Mood: sad Current Music: Seal - Don't Cry (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 4th, 2003
5:47 am	A lovely evening.... Well, it;s a few days after MFM and I must say, i'm rather happy. Well, I still miss Cat, but I'm better than I was. After seeing her letter, I know she's doing well. I have faith in her. Now if i could just get myself a job, I'd be doing alright.:P Jobs in this city aren't easy to come by from what i've heard. Unless you're sexy, Like my roommate Justin, I'm told.:P He goes out and in 1 day, manages to land an interview, and more or less bag a job. In one day. Now, that, is self-confidence. Going to be going out tomorrow to look for a job, so I better get some sleep. but at this point, it's a lost cause, so i'll just stay up for now. need to take a roomy to work at 7am, so no sense in going to sleep now. I've been trying to work on a sprite comci recently but no ideas are coming forth, so I'm kinda at a loss as to where to go with it. anyone with helpful input would be appreciated. Also started back on my art work, which is a good thing. hopefully, by next years MFM, I'll be able to sell some prints of my stuff or something. Who knows, stranger things have happened. If anything, it'll improve my style(little that it is). All in all, it's been a good few days. But alas, It would be better if my Catery-chan were here with me. I'm patient, but I still miss her. If I didn't, what kind of person would I be? *yawns* Hmm. Maybe I SHOULD get some rest. no sense in being an undead zombie for the next day. hHere's where I head to bed. Snoogans. Current Mood: happy Current Music: Evanescense - Bring Me To Life (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 26th, 2003
3:33 pm	GRRRRRRRR... I hate myself. not because i have no respect for myself. but because instead of when i have a problem, and everyone wants to help, what do they do? SOME of them will approach me friendly like and ASK what's going on. SOME will demand it and you know what? that's the WRONG WAY. demand something of me and see how fast you get it. I am not some stupid slave to ANYone and if anyone thinks that just because I have 'doormat syndrome', they can force me to do anything, guess again. you piss me off, i react. it's that simple. bottom line : You wanna help me, don't act like a snoobish, self serving pompous know it all smart ass. just be concerned for me and not all high and mighty (Because you are NOT high and mighty.) If no one can abide by this, best choice then is not to talk to me till you want to TALK to me. Not to demand this and that and make me feel even more like shit. I know I'm the one at fault here. I just get tired of hearinf about it EVERYtime i try and talk about it. Just talk and try to understand. no "i told you so's", no long winded speechs and NO guilt trips. just talk. Current Mood: pissed off Current Music: Nightmare Before Christmas - What's This? (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 15th, 2003
10:55 pm	Jobless CHRIST! WHAT SHIT! how much more screwed can a guy get? i lose my job, my roommate loses his car and gets fired and any way to get arou8nd in a single weekend. SOmeone REALLY hates me right now. On the plus side, i get to spend more time with Cat. unless I start work with Justin, in which case, i won't be seeing much of anyone for a while. Major suckage. I HATE BEING JOBLESS. but being jobless would mean getting time with Cat... so it's a headache that's going to be hanging around for a long damn while. sometimes, i hate being me. Current Mood: infuriated Current Music: Various Slayers Music (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 11th, 2003
2:56 am	FUCK! I hate it! i hate the way things are going! nothing goes right... why does everything have to blow up, break down or just stop working? Stupid car. stupid life. I'm not complete unless i'm stressing.. and this is too much for even me to handle. i hate it. i want it top end. just make it stop, please. i'm so tired. mentally and physically. it doesn't end. it won't end. i need Cat... and i can't have her. even when i went all the way to texas to get her... I can't have her... just i don't wanna dela anymore... i'm breaking inside... and i can't stop...help me... Current Mood: defeated Current Music: The sound of a soul shattering into a million pieces (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 3rd, 2003
3:16 am	The last mad dash... Ohshi. work tomorrow and I'm not sleepy. i'm waiting for some word on Cat. something, anything. i need to know where to go. when to go. what to do.. I need some help here. I'm going insane and i need to be at work tomorrow from 11am to 6pm and i'm not gonna get home until sometime late tomorrow night and the rest of the week will be like this. I hope Justin and April got back okay. They went to A Kon over the weekend and hopefully saw Cat. if not... well, then i'll be seeing her this weekend hopefully... I miss you Cat. i'm such a whiner, but i don't care. I miss you and want you back and there's nothing i can do about it right now... I HATE THAT! *sighs* i'm going nuts. I love her and want to be with her and i can't control myself. wy can't something go right? nothing ever does. i just wish somehting would go my way... I hate being depressive. it really kills the mood. Let this week end. doubles all this week and then i get to go drive to Cat. let this week end quick, please. Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Nat a damnable thing (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 21st, 2003
2:10 pm	I had a dream.... .... about Valerie again last night. Who is she? someone trying to reach out and help me, I'm almost certain. last night, I was trapped along a line of water generators, which required a card key to deactivate. Valerie and I were both working to do it... only to find that the row i deactivated was the one SHE needed to deactivate! so now an entire row of generators is screwed up, and for some reason, Matt is there telling me that i'm screwing things up and HE should be the one to save the day. He was dressed in some fancy General's outfit too. jerk. Valerie told me to start on the upper row quickly so i did. everything slowed down while i sped up, returning to the top to start on the correct side. Then things got weird. a military outfit(led by Matt) tried to take over the generators.. so i retreated to a nearby house which was a bad idea. for some reason, Robin Williams was inside and as soon as I saw him, the ground started to shake, and then the roof started to fall in. Robin was crushed, and I got my arms above my head just in time to catch the falling debris. i was pinned but not injured. About that time Valerie deems it nessacery to come into my dream again and help me, pulling me to safety. Afterward, the damn exploded, which was held in check by the generators. Valerie had gotten me to a safe vantage point.. but had disappeared. Last time i said i had weird dreams. NOw, they're just getting fucked up. Where are you Cat? I miss you... Current Mood: curious Current Music: Xanadu Soundtrack (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 20th, 2003
3:44 pm	What do dreams mean? I want to be perfectly clear : This post is about a DREAM. At no time have I met, or talked to any individuals below(except for Cat, whom I miss dearly. Thank you. Last night was plenty weird. I went to bed, thinking of Cat like normal... and wound up dreaming of a girl, not unlike Cat... but oddly different. Her name is Valerie. First, I don't KNOW any Valerie. Why my subconcsious would name this girl Valerie is beyond me. Second, why this girl would make advances on me in an IHOP bathroom in the mall, while I was carrying 2 banana's is also beyond me. Or why after she tried to come onto me, she disappeared into a shop called the 'Now', and then left clues for me to find her. Or why the police officer took my banana's away when people started throwing fruit at the Easter Bunny guy. Dreams just don't make sense. Anyway, while I was dreaming of this "Valerie"... She seemed to know that I was lonely. She wanted to help. Although by coming onto me, she just made me think of Cat even more. I woke up this morning crying. "Valerie" wanted to ease my worries and pain... and instead, they've doubled. I miss Cat. I really want her back. Perhaps Valerie is part of my subconcsious, trying to help me (one of those 'hurting you now will help you later' deals), or maybe... maybe someone's trying to reach me. I dunno. I'll keep an eye out in my dreams for this "Valerie", though knowing my luck, I won't see her again. Oy. my dreams are weird. :P Current Mood: weird Current Music: The Sound of Conan yelling "Cock!" (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 2nd, 2003
5:44 pm	Worries, Gray hair and Stuff Well, today was actually pretty good. Got to go out and have fun.. and get meat! Real meat! Oh praise the Gods! :) All in all, today was good. got to go out for a bit, got mail and gifts from Becca-chan(loves and nibbles to her:3), and got to spend quality time with my Catery-chan. :) I think I wore her out this evening, but she said she was alright. I'm in front of the computer now and just surfing for a bit, getting ready to back stuff up and wipe the hard drive. Here's hopin it works this time. Current Mood: DBZ-fied Current Music: Weird Al Yankovich - That's your Horoscope for Today (1 Comment |Comment on this)